Flawed Flowers

I debated long and hard about writing this post. But, y’all have always been with me thru thick and thin. The good, the bad, the ugly. Remember the maggots?? That post is gone now, since I quit paying for the domain. Probably for the best.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. On the 17th, only 3 short days after Valentine’s, and only 2 days after I published https://purpleslobinrecovery20.design.blog/2021/02/15/very-valentine/

I found out why the flowers.

I gave them to my Mama. I didn’t want to look at them anymore.

He was cheating on me.

My sis forwarded a message on FB, from one of her friends, concerning a guy trying to friend her, who had porn on his profile. Unlucky for him, that he chose that particular woman. Lucky for me. I woke him up, and told him to log onto his FB. Of course he fumbled around, and said he couldn’t remember PW, since he just woke up.

So, I pulled up his profile, and pointed to the porn. He blanched. “How did you do that?” Apparently you didn’t know that profiles are public, huh?

So, I made him march back to his room and I grabbed his phone, locked. OF course. I made him unlock it, and grabbed it again, before he had any time to delete anything. The first things that pulled up were messages from 3 women. I only read the first one, and got sick to my stomach.

WHAT is this?? Somehow I kept my voice calm, and even, not yelling. “It’s only a game.” He was yelling. A GAME?? “It’s only a word game.” It’s not a GAME to me! Again with the “It’s only a game, to see what they’ll say.” He kept screaming, I kept calm.

I read their texts outloud. “I love you, HK.” he said. HK was our secret code for hugs, and kisses. At least I thought it was OUR secret code. Apparently, it was his code to whatever woman he was talking to at the time. She answered the same. “I can’t wait to see you again.” Her answer echoed his.

I said Did you meet her in person? “NO!” I don’t believe you.

So, Again I read the first lines aloud, and said, These are the same exact words you wrote in my Valentine’s card, only 3 short days ago. So either you love her, and you’re lying to me, or you love me, and are lying to her. Which is it?

He yelled, “I love you!” Then why are you texting other women? And telling them you love them? In the same exact words you wrote to me??? I don’t believe you.

More yelling.

I don’t believe you, was my answer for every word he said.

I will take the car, and I want $600 a month support. “NO! That’s my car, and I need it!” You have your little beater truck. You drive it all over the county to junk, you can certainly drive it to church. (I have the car sitting outside, right now.)

Take me to my mother’s please. But we had to wait till 7 am. No way was I going to wake her up at 2 am. I stayed there 2 nights, not knowing where I would live after 2 weeks of staying with her.

Thankfully DD1″s roomie moved out on Sat, and she asked me to move in.

From her apt here, well I guess it’s our apt now, is where I wrote, “https://purpleslobinrecovery20.design.blog/2021/02/25/calm-corner/

Everyone thinks I’m devastated. Actually, after the first shock, horror, and being MAD, I’m sorta relieved. He has been emotionally unavailable for a looooong time. After this second marriage, the honeymoon lasted about 9 months, then it was back to his behavior for the last 11 years of the previous 13 yr marriage. Why did I think things would be different?? Hope springs eternal.

This 5th time around, (2 marriages to first hub, 3nd to Bobby who died, now 2 to this husband, I won’t label him Dear anymore), I’ve finally learned my lessons. I’ve done everything I know how to be a good wife. My deep depressions were very hard on him, I’m sure. But they are not my fault, and no excuse for him to go outside the marriage. I was right there, craving his love and attention, and not receiving it.

Both of my first marriages, I cheated. Then I was diagnosed bi-polar, after I went to rehab for 3 weeks for my drinking. The Dr said both drinking, and sexual acting out were very common signs of bi-polar. No cheating on Bobby, we were only married 2 months, before he died. He had been in prison for 2 yrs, after our inital 18 months together. (Previous parole violation he had to take care of.) Our first marriage to now husband, I cheated, with an old, dear friend who had been in love with me since we were 18. Again, it was the same situation of starving for love, and attention, which is not an excuse. Then, he cheated, to even the score. At that age, you’d think we would have more mature than that. SMH

So, as I said, this time I learned all my lessons. I did everything I could. I was faithful. So now, I have a release. Jesus said,

Matthew 5:32But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery:

This also applies in the reverse. If he commits adultery, then she is innocent. Which I am.

I probably overshared. You might not have wanted to hear all that, but I felt I needed to make the situation clear, and take my part of the responsibilities for our previous marriage when I broke trust, and committed adultery.

Thank y’a SO much for being here for me!! ❤

Sherri, Carmen, Gail, Dolly, Venus, Jen, Jenny, Jennifer, and Crystal, Carrie

If I forgot someone, please forgive! ❤

Now my new life begins!! Looking forward to the adventure!

Published by purpleslob

I'm a Jesus lover, who loves my 2 grandbabies, and purple!

28 thoughts on “Flawed Flowers

  1. Melinda I’m so sorry you’ve been through this again but glad you sound ok about it. Here’s to your new life and better adventures with the good people you deserve to have in your life. No you didn’t overshare, I admire you for being so honest because I’m sure many women will relate to you. I cheated on the husband that I had my children with and he died at age 45 leaving me with a lot of useless guilt to deal with. Life does get messy but most people don’t escape childhood without emotional baggage that can make us feel vulnerable as adults and we can do stupid things while searching for attention/love. I learnt from my cheating and there is no way on God’s that I would have caused that kind of hurt to another man ever again. Thinking of you and wishing you lots of good things to come. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Gilly, I’m sorry. Guilt is such a horrible thing! It sucks the very life out of us! Have you resolved those feelings? Even tho he is dead? Oh yes!! Dealing with childhood trauma has messed up so many people! Yeah, cheating is so awful. I feel like my bad deeds have come around to bite me in the butt, sorta. I cheated, now I’m cheated on. I plan to never marry again, so hopefully never again be an issue!! ❤

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  2. Dear Melinda, I am soooo sorry that you are hurt! Even if he hasn’t cheated on you physically, emotional cheating is considered much worse than physical because he was taking affection and devotion that was rightfully yours and giving it to someone else. I am praying that you get over it with the least emotional damage. You are strong, my favorite purple person – you’ll rally up and survive!
    However, if you think that you will not marry again, so it won’t be an issue, you are making a mistake. I hope you don’t mind my saying so, but I am talking to you as a friend and as a professional. The issue will still be there, and you need to face it and adress it. Yes, hypersexuality is one of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder because it falls under the general impulsivity, sort of “you see, you want, you have” thing. If you can train yourself to control the impulse, then you beat this issue. You are in control of yourself, darling, not your impulses!
    My husband always says that G-d is not petty or primitive; He will not pay you with the same coin unless He is sending you a message: there is a lesson in it, and you have to learn it.
    As to your soon-to-be ex, I say good riddance of bad apple!
    I am sending you much love and many blessings, darling, and I always here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ty so much, my dear Dolly. I am fine, really. Tomorrow’s post will let you know how he is doing. I’m 1000x better than he is. No, cheating for me has not been a problem in this marriage, thank God! I have finally learned my lessons. He has not learned him, sadly.
      I receive and feel all your love and blessings!!! I know you are here for me, anytime. You have been, over and over. I appreciate you so much! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear purple person, do you think I care how he is doing? Neither should you!
        One lesson you should learn and repeat to yourself is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
        Cheating in itself is never a problem; it is only an indicator of the problem, but at this point he is the one with the problem, not you, so leave him to deal with his own issues.
        I pray for your peace of mind, dear Melinda!
        Much love and many blessings,
        D

        Liked by 1 person

      2. TY, Dolly. Yeah, this time he has totally made it impossible to be fixed, I can move on.
        I am clear, and at peace!! Reading the Scriptures, and praying, I know Who really loves me! And He is not a man! ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Amen!
        Do you read psalms? I found reading certain psalms very comforting during the toughest times of my life.
        And BTW, does he want it to “get fixed”? Is he remorseful, asking for forgiveness? I have no doubt that you can move on, but are you sure you should? Is your mind made up? You must be at peace not only now, but a month, a year, many years from now, dear purple person.
        Love you,
        D

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh definitely the Psalms!! I read one this morning. David sure expresses himself very clearly! And he talks to God, like the holy, heavenly Father He is. So comforting!! He SAYS he is, but I think he’s remorseful because he got caught. This 2nd marriage, was to try again, because we both did wrong the first time, and now we vowed to fix it, and do better. I did, he didn’t. Getting off the merry-go-round now. We went, or I took him, to 3 different Christian marriage counselors, in our first marriage. He always told them he didn’t need to talk, cuz I was the one with the problems. I even took him to Celebrate Recovery program, for his porn addiction. He said he participated, but I never saw him doing the homework. And, when we talked the other day, I asked with tears in my eyes, why he never would read the Bible with me, like we promised each other. He said, “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t really want to.” I thanked him for being honest. That was the first time in our whole 18 years of being together, that he ever answered a hard “WHY??” question. So, yeah, I’m sure I’m done. This whole time, even while he’s been cheating on me, months now, he’s been up in the choir, leading the congregation in songs, and worship. He told me he confessed to the pastor on the next Sat, at men’s prayer breakfast. But, the next day, there he was in choir, much to my surprise! (I have not been going to church with him for over a year, due to other reasons.) But they have a live stream! So, the next day I called the pastor, and asked him what nameless had said. “That he had a porn problem, and was asking for help.” Yeah, well that was only half the truth! Once I told the pastor about his cheating, the pastor assured me, that nameless would certainly NOT be in the choir again! Now that the whole truth is out in the open, at least nameless won’t be able to victimize any of the church ladies. God help anyone else. I do pray he will truly repent! And not ever hurt anyone else like this again. Thank you for your love,and support. I truly love you for it! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      5. The worst thing about it for you right now is that you have to come in constant contact with him which will keep reminding you of your pain and prevent you from healing. But you are strong and you can keep away from him, stop talking to him no matter what, and try to think of something positive when you think of him. The more you separate yourself from him emotionally and mentally, the easier it will be on you.
        I send you blessings for strength – you need it now more than anything!
        Love,
        D

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! So very sorry. But, I don’t think it’s for us to say if we will never marry again. Only God knows what our future holds. Praying for peace. You may have it now, but once in a while the hurt will share it’s ugly head, which is only normal. I am hete, my friend..should you evet need to talk and can email my # some day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thx Venus, you’re a good friend. You’re right, God is in control. I just mean I will not go looking this time! Always before now, I thought I couldn’t LIVE without a man. Now I know I’d rather be alone forever, than ever go thru this mess again.

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  4. Dear Melinda, I am so sorry I didn’t get here when I said I would, I had fully intended but in my house, I so often have to stop and run…not bad, but just, well, life. But that does not mean I have not been thinking of and praying for you, after you let me know you had split with your husband. And now I have read your post and I just wish I could give you a huge hug. So this is the next best thing. You are one brave and strong lady and wow, I am so proud of you for confronting him like that. Please know that I am holding you and your family in my prayers. You are such a good friend to me and I hope I can be a good friend to you through this difficult time. I will return to catch up your updates, but wanted to send this message for you today, with much love, great big purple hugs and prayers. Love you, my friend… Sherri ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apparently he thinks I’m that stupid, and gullible. Not anymore!! Oh, so much better! My depression has lifted a tremendous amount! I have energy, and do stuff. It really was the right thing to do!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Melinda,

    I am behind on all of the WordPress stuff and only just read this. I’m so sorry to hear your marriage ended like this. Having said that, I believe you have done the right thing to end it. My first husband also has a pornography addiction and it took its toll on my girls and myself. I know the feelings of betrayal and the pain and shock when you find out your whole life is a lie.

    I agree with Dolly that you need to make it a clean break and have no contact with your (soon to be) ex. I wish I could have done that, but unfortunately I had two children with my ex so couldn’t completely avoid talking to him. I did move several states away which I realize is probably not an option for you. However please avoid him as much as possible. He is toxic and unhealthy for you to be around.

    God has other better plans for your life whatever those might be. If you would like to talk more please let me know and we can take the conversation off this forum if you need to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jennifer!! I can’t make a clean break, yet. He still has 90% of my stuff. Also, He is loaning me the car, and making the payments, and ins. I hope to get all my stuff by summer. DD1 plans to buy a vehicle soon, then I’ll return the car.
      I’m so sorry you had to go thru this too. It’s horrible!
      Thank you so much for the encouragement!! I know He does.
      purple.librarian@hotmail.com

      Liked by 1 person

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