Well, here it is the evening of the the 9th, an I haven’t published a post yet today . Oopsie again!!

I have to tell ya the truth. Last week, and this, I’ve been struggling so hard with my mental, and physical health. Last Thur. I was at the Dr. office screaming, “I’m dying! Listen to me! I’m dying!”

Of course, everyone was startled to say the least. DH kept trying to hush me. “This is a Dr. office! You have to be quiet!” Well, if I was quiet, soon there’d be the sound of a siren, and the little men in white coats would rush in to make me hug myself tight, and cart me away.

I kept yelling in the exam room. My Dr. is a very sweet woman, but she wasn’t catching on either. “I’M DYING!! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! My whole body is shutting down! My mind is shrinking, and sliding closer, and closer to the edge of the black hole. Once I fall in, I’m totally gone, and won’t be back ever.” ( I still was screaming, I just got tired of typing in all caps..)

The only tiny spark of life that was still holding me to life, was the terror for PP. Her mental health is in severe danger, from being forced t go to her dad’s. No details, but she is at a crisis point too.

After my fall Sept. 24, my health just took a nose drive. Like my body was suddenly set itself to self destruct, and someone had started the timer. Thur. Oct. 28, during my PT here at home, my blood pressure was too high, all 3x the therapist took it. Back to my new fave place, the ER. EKG was ok. But I was having the mother of all panic attacks. The therapist wouldn’t let me take any xanax, “no food or drinks at ER”. But I wasn’t there yet! No matter. Heart pain, headache added to the circus of joy internal storm.

Finally I did get adavan, and began coming down off the ceiling, where I had been clinging with all 4s, trying to claw my way out of the building, apparently!

So, now I’m on blood pressure meds too. Yay. Always fun to throw in new meds into my cocktails.

Then, I was so much in pain, I couldn’t use the toilet anymore. Don’t know if I’ve talked about the excruciating pain in my left shoulder, or not. Anyway, our toilet is a regular size, which to us giants is small size. And no grab bars, of course. The only way I have of getting up, is to lean on my left elbow, on the counter beside me, which is too high for that activity, but needs must. If DH is home, he pulls me up, which is rarely, during the day. So, I just got to the point that the pain was worse than the thought of wearing diapers 24/7. Dying of pain vs wearing diapers. diapers won that round. I’ve worn them before, it’s not like it’s a brand new shocking event.

(Depression, seasonal affective disorder, being out of my thyroid med 8 days, horrible pain, the fall, dizziness, fear for PP, feeling useless, helpless, having CPTSD, all on top of my arthritis, and fibromyalgia flare- made just 1 hellacious combo of life draining episode. Plus, my toe Dr. had just had to dig out both ingrown side of my left toe the day before, made me bleed, put me on antibiotics… the emotional stress, that I won’t even go into, having to be in the scooter, driving it clumsily, being fussed at every time I need it, cuz it meant inconveniencing someone else who had to empty his trailer, just to take my scooter…. I was seriously just a few inches from death.. at least that was my reality)

So, there I am, just laying in bed, depressed as all h#ll- and I’m not cursing. I was going thru literal h#ll, in my body, soul, mind, and emotions. Have you ever felt like you’re dying? I do not recommend it.

So, the Dr. ordered a hospital bed, a bedside commode, and something else, can’t even remember. And of course, the evil insurance co. denied, before I even had left the room. It was incredible.

The Dr. even asked me, when I took a breath, to yell again, if I wanted to go in patient, at the pysch ward. Nope! That would be my 5th go round, and I doubt any improvements have been made, since my last visit. I’m already on the frequent flyer list.

I was wearing diapers, and couldn’t even wipe my own ask-me-no-more-questions. The pysch ward nurse’s aids, would not even deal with me, they’d send me away. So, why bother?? One of the “Orientation” presentations, (during one of my vacations there), said, “The most help you’ll get here is from each other.” WHAAAT did she just say??? I know s.h.e. d.i.d n.o.t. s.ay. w.h.a.t. I t.h.o.u.g.h.t I h.e.a.r.d… But, yep. We, the crazies, were supposed to educate each other, and help one another figure out our problems. Seriously?? Were you here as a patient, and received a lobotomy??

The only education I received from the other “guests”, was if your disability is fixing to be reviewed for renewal or not, all you have to do is scratch your wrists enough to bleed some, then call 911. Make sure you only cut sidewise though. If you cut straight down your arm, you’ll hit the artery and really die. You only want to make a token show of being suicidal. Bingo, bango, instant approval for renewal of your check for at least 7 more years. That was very important to know, the difference of just pretending to want to die, and the reality of f@cking up, and killing yourself for realz. So glad I learned that!!

The other super duper info was how to fake taking your pills, so if you feel ok, you can hoard them, and sell them when you get out. Man, you can make a good little side hustle like that! Just be aware, when you crash, and you will, if you’ve sold too many, you will be f@cked up for awhile. Unless of course, somebody else has something you can “overdose” on, and get back in patient, and scrape up another stock pile.

Defrauding the government, and how to become a successful drug kingpin , is not the kind of education I was in the market for, but thanks anyway.

Sorry for the language, but I just came back to life literally, from a life and death situation. Bad language doesn’t matter when your own body, and mind are betraying you, and dragging you down to the pit of hellish death.

I am so grateful for my therapist Tonya!! She gave me a double appointment time on the phone today. She’s been in touch since last Thursday’s debacle. I had an appointment with her first, before my Primary. Of course, she was very concerned. She knew how desperate the situation was.

Also, very grateful for my Dr. She has called me several times on her cell phone, after hours this week also.

Today, Tonya reminded me my thinking has to change. If I keep thinking, and saying I’m dying, that’s where I’ll head. I’ll make it a self fulfilling prophesy. She quoted Scripture, then she prayed. She always tells me she loves me. And of course, “When are you going to follow up with your pysch??” Friday. “Oh, ok. Make sure you tell her everything! You might have to change your meds.”

That’s fine. I’m not resistant to changing meds. I always try to tell all the truth to my Dr.’s, and therapists. I am just not going back to the pysch ward, when I was plainly told they are no help. And, I’ve experienced it on repeat.

My first time, it was dual diagnosis. 1993 I was suicidal, and an alcoholic. That saved my life. They had actual classes. They gave us actual strategies to deal with our problems. They also had excellent food, by the way! It was a private clinic, not at the hospital.

Anyway, after Tonya hung up, I got up, and went and talked to DD1. She loves me so much!! She suffers from mental illness, so she can relate! She is also large, so she relates to all those problems. Tiny people like my Dr., my therapist, and my pysch Dr. have NO IDEA of what I deal with on a daily basis, as a morbidly obese person! Small people just can not conceptualize the logistical problems. No their fault, just outside their experience.

So, today, the 9th, (just barely!) I’m thankful for the 3 woman, who saved my life today. Dr. T, Tonya my therapist, and DD1.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! You 3 are true heros!! My heart is only still beating, because of you 3, hanging onto me, and refusing to let me go into the grave. I owe you my life. And I humbly thank you!! I know I can never repay you. But, I do promise I will pass on the love, encouragement, and help!! If I see someone else teetering on the edge, I’ll grab onto them, and refuse to let go.

Philippians 1:3King James Version

³ I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,